Birdemic at the ballpark

As anyone who has followed me on social media for a while knows, swarms of seagulls are a pretty frequent sight at baseball games here in San Francisco. They show up for just about every night game, usually around 9 p.m., and wait around for everybody to leave so they can swoop in for a late dinner.

The conditions for a seagull swarm were particularly ripe on Friday:

1. Since it was a weekend game, there was a fairly large crowd. Those people purchased a lot of concession items.
2. The game turned into a blow out in the 7th inning (and only got worse in the 8th and 9th), meaning that many of those people left early, leaving behind their half-eaten garlic fries, popcorn, hamburger buns, and other tasty foodstuffs that seagulls crave.¹I’m constantly amazed by the amount of very expensive food that people leave behind. If I’m paying $20 for a helmet filled with nachos, I’m eating every single bit of it.
3. Friday games start half an hour later than other night games, which meant that the seagulls—who presumably do not have watches or a copy of the schedule—were already starting to assemble at their usual time, but there was still plenty of game left to be played.

The result was swirling mass above the bleachers for most of the final two innings:

When I first started going to games at Oracle Park a little over a decade ago, they would use the video board to encourage people in the stands to scare away the birds by clapping along with some percussive music.²Usually the Cha-Cha Slide. I’m not sure when they stopped doing that, but they don’t bother any more. It never worked for more than a few seconds anyway.

When the seagulls arrive, it becomes pretty easy to pick out the people who don’t attend a lot of games. They’re the ones freaking out about getting pooped on. I’m not saying it doesn’t happen—it definitely does³My tote bag got tagged last season, but so far I’ve avoided any direct hits.—but there’s not anything you can do about it except move under the overhang at the top of the section. Sitting there and shrieking every time a bird comes within 50 feet won’t accomplish anything, but that seems to be defense strategy most people choose to employ.

Honestly, the seagulls are one of my favorite things about Pac Bell/AT&T/Oracle Park. They’re assertive, but not pushy or aggressive. Often, one or two of the braver ones will waddle across the row to see if I have a leftover crust or some fries and if I do, I’ll toss it their way. It’s the least I can do for a fellow San Franciscan.

So if you come to a night game at Oracle, be prepared to see some birds.⁴And if you come to day game, be on the lookout for sea lions out in the cove. Don’t freak out. Share your fries. Avoid looking straight up with your mouth open. Everything will be just fine.

In other news

• Remember when I predicted that thousands of stoners wouldn’t stay at home just because the city tried to cancel their official 4/20 festivities? Yeah, I was right.
• The annual burning of a snowman effigy named Böögg was canceled in Zurich due to high winds, possibly portending a very bogus summer for the Swiss.
• In the latest blow to Oakland’s sense of civic pride, now Oakland International Airport wants people to think they’re located in the San Francisco.
• You rarely see houseboats on the move, but we had a two-story abode chugging through the bay earlier this month.
• And speaking of water, CNN says we’ve finally entered the era of “supersized clownfish robots.” Apparently fish aren’t spooked by a clownfish that’s 30 times larger than usual swimming next to them, allowing scientists to more accurately collect data about their health. This is like a 172½-foot man walking up to you on the street, which personally would scare the living hell out of me.

Last night at the ballpark

After splitting with the Diamondbacks over the long weekend, the Giants hosted the red-hot⁵Well, they lost their previous game 10-0, but before that they were very hot. Mets for the first of three games. Fortunately, they got on the board first and only allowed the Mets four hits. Outside of some unnecessary drama in the 9th,⁶Namely, a pair of walks, a wild pitch, and a very dumb error. this one felt well in hand for most of the evening.

Finally, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention another thing that happened over the weekend—Patrick Bailey hit a home run into a kayak in McCovey Cove on Saturday.⁷Despite not actually landing in the water, it is still considered an official splash hit. Overall it was a pretty good day for him; it was his bobblehead giveaway day at the park and he went 4-for-4, only missing out on a cycle because of probable triple that bounced over the wall for a ground rule double. He should have bought a lottery ticket on the way home.

• 1
  I’m constantly amazed by the amount of very expensive food that people leave behind. If I’m paying $20 for a helmet filled with nachos, I’m eating every single bit of it.
• 2
  Usually the Cha-Cha Slide.
• 3
  My tote bag got tagged last season, but so far I’ve avoided any direct hits.
• 4
  And if you come to day game, be on the lookout for sea lions out in the cove.
• 5
  Well, they lost their previous game 10-0, but before that they were very hot.
• 6
  Namely, a pair of walks, a wild pitch, and a very dumb error.
• 7
  Despite not actually landing in the water, it is still considered an official splash hit.